Today's PX/RX

[Kip Powick]

Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and the compass heading is on the big E."

YHZ ACC controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."

(short pause)...

YHZ ACC controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big W immediately ..."

[Don Hudson]

"United 237, if you can read this transmission, traffic is no longer a factor..."

[Guest]

A Piper Cherokee showed up in the Los Angeles Terminal Control area one very busy evening around supper time.

When the young pilot checked in with ATC, he was given the following:

"Maintain heading 270 until radio contact is lost, then proceed on course."

[Moretork]

I just got these sent to me:

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.

Control Tower replies: "And where is the world's most experienced

airline going today without filing a flight plan?"

________

ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango

check for workers along taxiway

AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked, all are working.

---

ARN851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000,

requesting runway 15."

Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a

pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."

---

(busy) Moncton Center: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Chibougamau"

BAW169: "I'm sorry, sir, can you repeat that?"

CZQM: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Yankee Mike Tango"

BAW169: "Direct Yankee Mike Tango for Speedbird 169. What was that name

again?"

CZQM: "It's called Chibougamau"

BAW169: "Would you say again, please?"

CZQM: "Chibougamau. I say again, Chibougamau!"

BAW169: "Oh, how quaint. What does it mean?"

CZQM: "It's eskimo for f--- off!"

---

ACA1147: "Moncton, Air Canada 1147, can you get the winds from 167 above

us?"

CZQM: "As soon as I get a chance, I will."

(Some time passes with continuous radio chatter)

ACA1147: "Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up there?"

CZQM: "Standby for that, please"

(more radio chatter)

ACA1147: "Moncton, can you ask company 167 for his winds?"

CZQM: "Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too much to do for that sort of

thing right now. I'll leave it up to you guys to go over to company

frequency and pass winds."

---

(check the call sign of the answering aircraft)

CZQM: "Nova 895 contact Moncton on 127.12"

ARN871: "Over to 127.12, for Nova 871. We'll talk to you later."

CZQM: "Maybe sooner than you think."

(a few seconds pass...)

ARN871: "Uh, Moncton, they didn't want to talk to us on 127.12..."

CZQM: "See what I mean?"

---

Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead,

identify yourself."

---

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?

Pilot: Yes.

Tower: Yes what??

Pilot: Yes, SIR

---

Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: "GAF269, you are cleared to

destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet

thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or

below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept

J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation read back."

GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian

Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present

position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing

15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT

thereafter intercept J158 own navigation and I need another pencil."

---

Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1

three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to

one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya."

Cont: (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1

1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots. "Pilot: "AF

thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1

mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this

here C-130 is?"

Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

---

ATC: "Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions?"

Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."

ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."

---

O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain speed

250 knots.

USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?

O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.

USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.

---

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.

Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019

[J.O.]

During a particularly foggy day at ORD ...

CTR: "United 123, I have holding instructions, advise ready to copy."

UA123: "United 123, go ahead, sir."

CTR: "United 123, you're cleared to hold at PMM as published, FL240, 10 mle legs, expect further clearance at 14:15, time now; 13:32."

UA123 (after a lengthy pause): "Uh, Chicago, United 123, uh, we haven't got enough fuel for that hold, sir."

CTR: "Roger, United 123, say your intentions."

UA123 (new voice): "I'm tired of this sh#t, I'm gonna quit and buy a pig farm!"

-----------------------------------------------------------

I actually heard this one, back in the late 80's.

YYZCTR: "American 437, you're cleared to hold at EMBRO as published, 20 mile legs maintain 17,000, expect further clearance at 13:15."

AA437 (Texas drawl): "Roger, American 437 will hold at EMBRO as published, 20 mile legs, maintain 17,000, expect further at 13:15. Uh, it's a really nice morning, can ya'll tell me the reason for this hold?"

YYZCTR: "Yes sir, the delay is due to staff shortages here in Toronto."

AA437: "Well, hell if I'd known that, I could'a brought a couple of them good ol' boys from Chicago with me and ya'll could'a gone home for the day!"