Kip Powick Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 Two retirees, Rattler and another fellow, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. They had just finished a morning jog and the friend wasn't even short of breath. Rattler was amazed at his associate's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The friend said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and more importantly, you'll have great sexual prowess with your lady friends." So, on the way home, Rattler stopped at a bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" Rattler said, "I want 5 loaves. " She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves?! By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard!" Rattler replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lakelad Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 Rattler returns from a trip to Shanghai and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. He wakes up after these tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests. I'm sorry to report that you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H." "G.A.S.H?" replies Rattler. "What in the hell is that?" "It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS, and Herpes," explains the doctor. "My gosh, Doc!" he screams in a panic, "what are we going to do?" "Well, we're going to put you on a strict diet of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas, and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly. "Will that cure me?" "Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest rattler Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 Funny..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest rattler Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 Two middle aged women were sitting over coffee discusing this, that and the other thing. One asked the other, have you and Kip made a will yet? Kip's wife replied that they had. Kip's will provides $30,000 for an elaborate funeral, she said and she said she would spend it all. That seems like a lot of money the first women (Jody) replied. Not realy said Kip's wife. Jody asked, how would that break down? Kip's wife answered. "The funeral would be around $6,500. I would donate $500 to the church in his name." "The wake, food and drinks would be another $500. The rest will go for an memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big would it be?!" "Two and a half carats!" replied Kip's wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kip Powick Posted September 28, 2006 Author Share Posted September 28, 2006 Rattler was driving his car at a constant speed. On his left side is a 'drop off' (the ground is 18-20 inches below the level he was traveling on), and his right side there was a fire engine traveling at the same speed as him. In front of him was a galloping horse and he cannot seem to overtake it. Behind him is another galloping horse. Both horses appear to be traveling at the same speed as his car. What must Rattler do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? > > > > > > > > > >. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >get his drunken ass off the merry-go-around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steam Driven Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 Three men were sitting on a park bench. Kip was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch. A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked Kip if he new the other two. “Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.” “In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!” “Yes, sir” Kip replied, and he began rowing furiously... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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