Thursday Funny

[Mitch Cronin]

[Purloined from a post by Gord on another web site... worth repeating]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch, he said. How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" The man responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her

money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. Yes," the blonde replied; "and I had paint left over, so I gave it

two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[chockalicious]

Two blondes are on a cross country flight. Shortly after take-off the pilot comes on the intercom and tells the passengers that one of the engines has failed. He says not to be alarmed as the plane has three working engines left, the plane is perfectly safe, and the loss of power will just mean a delay of 30 minutes to their destination. A little later a second engine fails and the pilot announces that this will result in an additional 1 hour delay. Sure enough, a third engine then fails and the pilot regretfully tells the passengers that this will extend their flight time by two hours.

One of the blondes turns to the other and says, " I hope the fourth engine doesn't fail, otherwise we will be up here all day!"

[wjafa]

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He

explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with

three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[Guest Raven2911]

The Sex of a fly:

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Guest Raven2911]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press

release stating: If GM had developed technology like! Microsoft, we

would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would

have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.

You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the

windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before

you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your

car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would

have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,

five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five

percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be

replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning

light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock

you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door

handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how

to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate

in the same manner as the old car.

10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.