On a much lighter note.....

[Guest M. McRae]

Received from a friend. Enjoy

Here are some conversations that airline passengers

normally will never hear.

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots

and control towers from around the world:

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While taxiing at London, England's Gatwick Airport,

the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.Lauderdale, Florida, made a

wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United Airlines 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the

US Air crew, screaming,

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?

I told you to turn right on to Charlie taxiway!

You turned right on Delta!

Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference

between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew,

she was now shouting hysterically,

"God! Now you've screwed everything up!

It'll take forever to sort this out!

You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about

half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,

when I tell you, and how I tell you!

You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent

after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging

the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every

cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An American Airlines DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an

exceedingly long roll out after touching down at San Jose International

Airport, California. San Jose Tower noted,

"American 751, make a hard right

turn at the end of the runway, if you are able...

If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101,

make a right at the lights

and return to the airport."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue,

"I'm f***ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control:

"Last aircraft transmitting,

identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft:

"I said I was f***ing bored, not

f***ing stupid!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact

Departure Control on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to

Departure Control. By the

way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead

animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind

Eastern 702, contact

Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that

report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for

takeoff, roger; and yes, we

copied Eastern... we've already notified our

caterers"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are

renowned as a short-tempered bunch. They not only expect one to

know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any

assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that

we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between

Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,

call sign Speedbird 206:

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of

active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha

One-Seven."

The British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are

going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up

our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):

"Speedbird 206, have you not been

to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly):

"Yes, twice in 1944 -- but

I didn't land."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:

"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock, three miles,

eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say

this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany,

overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start

clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you

must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a

German airplane, in Germany.

Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from

another plane

(in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war."