An American Perspective on Canada

[Guest blizzard]

An American Perspective on Canada. . .

By Samantha Bennett

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

"You live next door to a clean-cut, quiet guy. He never plays loud music or

throws raucous parties. He doesn't gossip over the fence, just smiles

politely and offers you some tomatoes. His lawn is cared-for, his house is

neat as a pin and you get the feeling he doesn't always lock his front door.

He wears Dockers. You hardly know he's there. And then one day you discover

that he has pot in his basement, spends his weekends at peace marches and

that guy you've seen mowing the yard is his spouse. Allow me to introduce

Canada.

The Canadians are so quiet that you may have forgotten they're up there,

but they've been busy doing some surprising things. It's like discovering

that the mice you are dimly aware of in your attic have been building an

espresso machine.

Did you realize, for example, that our reliable little tag-along brother

never joined the Coalition of the Willing? Canada wasn't willing, as it

turns out, to join the fun in Iraq. I can only assume American diner menus

weren't angrily changed to include "freedom bacon," because nobody here

eats the stuff anyway.

And then there's the wild drug situation: Canadian doctors are authorized

to dispense medical marijuana. Parliament is considering legislation that

would not exactly legalize marijuana possession, as you may have heard, but

would reduce the penalty for possession of under 15 grams to a fine, like a

speeding ticket. This is to allow law enforcement to concentrate resources

on traffickers; if your garden is full of wasps, it's smarter to go for the

nest rather than trying to swat every individual bug. Or, in the United

States, bong.

Now, here's the part that I, as an American, can't understand. These poor

benighted pinkos are doing everything wrong. They have a drug problem:

Marijuana offences have doubled since 1991. And Canada has strict gun

control laws, which means that the criminals must all be heavily armed, the

law-abiding civilians helpless and the government on the verge of a massive

confiscation campaign. (The laws have been in place since the '70s, but I'm

sure the government will get around to the confiscation eventually.)

They don't even have a death penalty!

And yet .. nationally, overall crime in Canada has been declining since

1991. Violent crimes fell 13 percent in 2002. Of course, there are still

crimes committed with guns - brought in from the United States, which has

become the major illegal weapons supplier for all of North America - but

my theory is that the surge in pot-smoking has rendered most criminals

too relaxed to commit violent crimes. They're probably more focused on

shoplifting boxes of Ho-Hos from convenience stores.

And then there's the most reckless move of all: Just last month, Canada

decided to allow and recognize same-sex marriages. Merciful moose, what

can they be thinking? Will there be married Mounties (they always get

their man!)? Dudley Do-Right was sweet on Nell, not Mel! We must be the

only ones who really care about families. Not enough to make sure they

all have health insurance, of course, but more than those libertines up

north.

This sort of behavior is a clear and present danger to all our stereotypes

about Canada. It's supposed to be a cold, wholesome country of polite,

beer-drinking hockey players, not founded by freedom-fighters in a bloody

revolution but quietly assembled by loyalists and royalists more interested

in order and good government than liberty and independence.

But if we are the rugged individualists, why do we spend so much of our

time trying to get everyone to march in lockstep? And if Canadians are so

reserved and moderate, why are they so progressive about letting people

do what they want to?

Canadians are, as a nation, less religious than we are, according to polls.

As a result, Canada's government isn't influenced by large, well-organized

religious groups and thus has more in common with those of Scandinavia than

those of the United States, or, say, Iran. Canada signed the Kyoto global

warming treaty, lets 19-year-olds drink, has more of its population living

in urban areas and accepts more immigrants per capita than the United States.

These are all things we've been told will wreck our society. But I guess

Canadians are different, because theirs seems oddly sound. Like teenagers,

we fiercely idolize individual freedom but really demand that everyone be

the same. But the Canadians seem more adult - more secure. They aren't

afraid of foreigners. They aren't afraid of homosexuality. Most of all,

they're not afraid of each other.

I wonder if America will ever be that cool."

[Guest M. McRae]

Gota love it!!