An Oldie but a Goodie

[Kip Powick]

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country

to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is

Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland,

Canada ey? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring

war on you ey!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big

is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is

myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole

dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in

my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is

still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000

tanks and 4,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my

army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya".

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war

is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an'

modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the

cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell

you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My

military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile

sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO

MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am

sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I 'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long

chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we

can feed two million prisoners."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

[Guest rattler]

What if bureaucrats had existed before the Earth was made

AND GOD SAID:

"IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED HEAVEN AND EARTH."

He was then faced with a Notice of Violation and a class action lawsuit for failing

to file a Part A notification and an environmental impact statement

with HEPA (Heavenly Environmental Protection Agency), an angelically

staffed agency dedicated to keeping the Universe pollution free.

God was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the

project, but was issued a "cease and desist" order on the earthly

portion, pending further review by the HEPA.

Upon completion of His construction permit application and environmental

impact statement, God appeared before the Heavenly Environmental Protection

Commission to answer unresolved questions regarding His application.

When asked why He began these projects in the first place, God simply

replied that He liked to be "creative." This was not considered adequate

reasoning; and God was required to substantiate this further.

HEPA was unable to see any practical use for earth, since "THE EARTH

WAS VOID AND EMPTY, AND DARKNESS WAS UPON THE FACE OF THE DEEP."

And God said, "LET THERE BE LIGHT." He really should never have brought

up this point, since one Commission member was very active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested, stating "How was light to be made? Would it be a nuclear-powered or coal-fired generating plant? Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

Air pollution? Universal warming?" God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. No one on the Commission really understood this, but it was provisionally accepted assuming

(1) there would be no smog or smoke resulting from the ball of fire,

(2) a separate burning permit would be required, and

(3) since continuous light would be a waste of energy, it should be dark at least one-half of the time. And so God agreed to "DIVIDE THE LIGHT FROM THE DARKNESS, AND HE CALLED THE LIGHT 'DAY', AND THE DARKNESS 'NIGHT'."

(The Commission expressed no interest with in-house semantics.)

When asked how the earth would be covered, God said "LET THERE BE FIRMAMENT MADE AMIDST THE WATERS, AND LET IT DIVIDE THE WATERS FROM THE WATERS." One ecologically radical Commission member accused Him of double-talk, but the Commission tabled action since God would be required first to apply for a "firmament" permit from the

ABLM (Angelic Bureau of Land Management), would be required to obtain water permits from the appropriate agencies involved, and further, insure that construction of any firmament would result in no net loss of wetlands.

The Commission asked if there would be only water and firmament, and God said "LET THE EARTH BRING FORTH THE GREEN HERB, AND SUCH AS MAY SEED, AND THE FRUIT TREE YIELDING FRUIT AFTER ITS KIND, WHICH MAY HAVE SEEN ITSELF UPON THE EARTH." The Commission agreed to this, as long as only native seeds were to be used.

About future developments, God also said "LET THE WATERS BRING FORTH THE CREEPING CREATURE HAVING LIFE, AND THE FOWL THAT MAY FLY OVER

THE EARTH UNDER THE FIRMAMENT OF HEAVEN." Here again, the Commission

took no formal action, since this would require approval of the Game and Fish Commission, coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

It appeared that everything was in order until God said that He wanted to complete the project in six days. At this time He was advised by the Commission that His timing was completely out of the question. HEPA would require a minimum of six to nine months to review the permit

application and environmental impact statement, and then there would have to be a 45-day public comment period followed by public hearings. After any and all public comments were considered, it could feasibly take 12 to 18 months before a permit could be issued.

And God said, "THE HELL WITH IT!"