Holiday Eating Tips

[Kip Powick]

1 Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet

table knows nothing of the Holiday Season. In fact, if you see

carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum

balls.

2 Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like that made with fine

single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt

scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!

Who cares that it has 1000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're

going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy

it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's almost New Years!

3 If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of

gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of

your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4 As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or

whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports

car with an automatic transmission.

5 Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control

your eating. The whole point of going to a festive party is to eat

other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6 Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.

You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the

time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table

while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7 If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like

frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position

yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before

becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of

shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8 Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if

you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have

three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9 Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory

celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some

standards.

10 One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party

or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread all

tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the

grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well

preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand,

martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and

screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Happy New Year !