Pilots

[DEFCON]

About Aviation

"Flying is long periods of intense boredom, punctuated by periods of intense fright."  (Col Harvey C. Dorney, former WWII pilot, and B-29 wing commander)

            Pilots are people who drive airplanes for other people who can't fly.

Passengers are people who say they fly, but really just ride.

Fighter Pilots are steely eyed, weapons systems managers who kill bad people and break things. However, they can also be very charming and personable. The average fighter pilot, despite sometimes having a swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring.  (However, these feelings don't involve anyone else.) 

Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane; the pessimist, the parachute. 

Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed. 

As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you (and one of them will): 
     a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft, knowing it is your last flight. 
     b. One day you will walk out to the aircraft, not knowing it is your last flight!

There are RULES and there are LAWS: 
The rules are made by men who think that they know how to fly your airplane better than you. 
The laws (of physics) were ordained. 
You can and sometimes should suspend the rules, but you can never suspend the laws!

 About Rules: 
a. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it. 
b. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance (e.g., if you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.) 

Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your fuel tanks are full. 

He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he who demands one iota more is a fool. 

There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night and over the ocean. Most of them are scary. 

The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no limits. 

"If the Wright brothers were alive today, Wilbur would have to fire 
Orville to reduce costs." (President, DELTA Airlines.) 

In the Alaskan bush, I'd rather have a two-hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa. 

An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe. 

Airlines have really changed; now a flight attendant can get a pilot 
pregnant. 

I've flown in both pilot seats. Can someone tell me why the other one is always occupied by an idiot? 

You have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot. You can't do both!

What are three things that you never want to hear a pilot say?

"What was that?"

"Why is it doing that?"

And the worst:

"Oh s**t!"

How do you know that a pilot is at your party?  He'll tell you.

What do pilots use for birth control?  Their personalities.

When do you know that you are halfway through a dinner date with a pilot?   When he says:  "Let's stop talking about me.  Let's talk about my airplane."
 

 

[Kip Powick]

One of my favourites.......................................

 

The first female to be elected as President of the USA calls up her mother in Nebraska and invites her to her inauguration.

“I'll need to book a flight and it's going to cost so much - it is just too much of a bother. I can watch you on TV"

Her daughter counters, "Mom! I’ll be the President! I'll hire a private jet for you!”

Mother states, “I don’t have the correct wardrobe for such a function”.

"Mom, I will have my staff pick you up at the airport and they will take you to a dress shop and ensure you get the correct outfit at no charge”

“What about a hotel and my strict diet?” Mom asks.

"Mom! Don't be ridiculous! I’ll be President! You can stay at the White House and the White House chef will make whatever you need for your diet”!"

"Okay, fine," she finally acquiesces and at the inauguration is seated close to a very senior Senator.

She taps the Senator on the shoulder and says “See that lovely lady up there?”

“Yes” says the Senator, “This is so fantastic ….she is going to be our first female President!!”

“Yeh, OK ”, says the mother, " but her brother is a pilot!!”