A Short Story....if You Have The Time

[Kip Powick]

Just waiting for all the kids and our grandkids to arrive for Easter so thought I would take a break from Turbo Tax and rattle off a short story....please excuse any spelling and grammatical errors.

Roger and Boomer

We have all seen ‘him’, you know the type. The ‘new’ airline Captain with an ego bigger that the Hindenburg and so easily recognizable because he constantly ensures that the public sees him at his best. Wearing his perfectly tailored uniform and often carrying that lightweight raincoat, which is always nestled in the crook of his arm, so that those four precious gold stripes are always visible. Gleaming black shoes complete the picture perfect pilot.

He never seems to drag his overnight case and brain bag; they just seem to float over the terminal floor, as if he had commanded them to ‘heel’. Just a touch of grey peeks out from under his 50 mission cap as his steely eyes dart from side to side looking for an impressionable individual of the opposite sex. A crooked smile, offset by straight teeth, perfectly imbedded in his square jaw and a salon tan completes his self-imposed hero appearance.

Yep, we have all seen the individual as there is always one, or possibly more, in every airline. This is the true story of one such pilot who flew out on the “wet” coast and was blessed to fly the first B737s the company acquired and…….. let’s just call him “Roger Ramjet”

.

There is no doubt that Roger loved his employment as a ‘directional consultant in a high speed aluminum tube’ and he was a competent pilot but not the type who would water one’s eyes with his stick and rudder antics. He relished his role as a Captain and always ensured that the passengers knew who was in charge, not by being dictatorial in any way, but more by seeming to become just a “good ole boy” when interacting with the passengers. In truth, visually he was probably the epitome of the public’s perception of the perfect airline pilot, after all as long as they got to where they were going without incident or accident they were happy. What happened behind that closed cockpit door was of no real interest to them.

Roger had one trait that became annoying with frequent the flyers who ventured into the blue with Roger in the first generation of B737s acquired, and that was his constant use of the PA system. He inundated the passengers with a memorized ritual of what he felt was interesting and amazing information concerning the operation of the “new” jet aircraft and all his comments were filled with references to the JET aircraft of which he was in command……after all he was a JET pilot!

His First Officer, on the other hand and at first glance, appeared to have just crawled off his Massey Ferguson, slapped on his ill-fitting uniform and rushed to work not even having time to check his skewed tie and oil stained cap. He would be dragging his full brain bag and suitcase and the one cracked wheel on his roll-aboard would be screaming in protest with each footstep the FO took. As in most cases looks can be deceiving and the initial reaction by all Captains that flew with him was one of hidden distain.

But “Boomer Bob” was probably the most competent B737 the company had, his hands on flying was exceptionally smooth and his mental air picture was always about 5 miles ahead of the aircraft and his overall crew performance was the envy of all the company B737 pilots. His knowledge of the internal workings of the new “jet” in the fleet was beyond all those with whom he flew and his uncanny ability to solve even the smallest operational problem was beyond amazing.Roger and Bob flew together quite often, got along well even though Bob, on occasion, had doubts about some of the traits his star struck Captain exhibited.

On this particular flight the two pilots carried out their pre-flight duties and as usual Bob had everything in order and Roger was once again happy to be just a casual supervising spectator. Their flight would take them from Edmonton to Calgary and the final sector would be to Vancouver, their home base. Bob left Ops prior to Roger and did an external check of the new jet and entered the aircraft and settled in the cockpit. Roger arrived about 10 minutes later after completing his leisurely stroll through the terminal, just doing ‘his thing’. Pre-flight checks were all completed and as was his normal routine, Roger left the flight deck, once again to casually meander around the gate in his entire regal splendor. Again, and predictable, just as the last passengers were being seated Roger strolled through the main cabin entrance and threw his most charming smile in the direction of the passengers.

Immediately he noticed that all was not well in the cabin as there appeared to be a young girl about 6 or 7 years old sitting in a centre seat crying, tears streaming down her face. Roger strolled down to her seat row and enquired as to the problem. The young lady blurted out that she wanted her puppy but “the lady at the counter said ‘Chico’ would have to be kept in his cozy little cage and put in with all the baggage and she could see him when they finally arrived in Vancouver”.

Roger, in his most fatherly tone attempted to explain to the youngster that rules did not allow any pets to be in the cabin with the passengers however his attempt to console the little girl fell upon deaf ears and her hysterics failed to cease. Passengers had stopped talking and were awaiting the final outcome of the Captain’s dilemma and Roger was secretly wishing Bob was there because Bob could probably come up with an acceptable solution that would satisfy everyone. The last thing Roger wanted was to have one of “his” passengers unhappy and at the last moment he came upon what he thought was a brilliant idea.

He bent over the little girl and said, “I’ll tell you what. I’ll go get Chico and we’ll put him and his little kennel in the flight deck and once we are safely airborne you can come up to the flight deck and see your puppy.” Immediately, the young lady turned off the water-works, smiled and appeared to be very happy . The surrounding rows of passengers gave Roger a round of warm applause as he exited the aircraft, on his way to retrieve the puppy. Roger entered the aircraft holding the little kennel, winked at the child, carried the kennel into the flight deck, closed the door and started to get ready for push-back and start. Bob looked at the kennel sitting between them and asked what happened. He sat in silence as Roger explained the situation and how he solved a difficult situation with quick thinking. Bob merely listened and quietly stated “Not a good idea”.

Pushback and start went smoothly and as they taxied to the runway Roger went on the PA and gave his normal fact filled take-off briefing that always included that; “ lift-off would be in excess of 120 mph and that would exceed the speed of a bullet leaving the muzzle of a 45 calibre pistol and just the takeoff alone would consume more fuel than his Volkswagen Bug used in month of driving to and from work. When they climbed out those on the right side of the aircraft would see the northern suburbs of Edmonton and those on the left side would see the North Saskatchewan River as they turned to the south and climbed to their cruising altitude which was almost as high as the tallest mountain in the world, Mount Everest. They would be cruising to Calgary, the home of the world famous Calgary Stampede at close to 75% of the speed of sound or almost 600mph. At altitude the temperature would be approximately -49 degrees Fahrenheit and that temperature could freeze a tomato in 15 seconds”…and so it went…on and on.

Takeoff was normal and as they passed 10000 feet Roger snapped on the PA and started another description of things that were happening and at the same time, in the cabin, passengers could start to hear a high pitched squealing which turned into a screeching howl punctuated with howls of agony and certainly sounded like a dog in extreme distress. The painful sounds eventually drowned out Roger’s travelogue and in frustration he turned the PA off. Roger was at a loss to explain why the dog was so distressed. Bob looked at him and suggested he open the kennel, take out the dog and hold the puppy. “Why?” asked Roger. Bob explained, “ All the high pitch frequencies from spinning gyros and radios as well as any high powered gizmos we have up here are painful for the dog to hear as dogs have very sensitive hearing….further I would suggest you hold the dog, and place your hands over its ears as that may alleviate some of the problem.”

Reluctantly Roger released the dog from the kennel, cuddled in his arms and attempted to keep his hands over the puppy’s ears. The silencing treatment worked to a degree but the dog would occasionally howl and now Bob was basically flying the aircraft solo. The flight was short and Roger never got around to calling the little girl up to the cockpit so they landed with Roger holding the dog and Bob flying the aircraft…. with a wide and silly grin planted on his face.

As the Calgary destination passengers deplaned Roger slipped in amongst them and could be seen with the dog’s kennel walking down the stairs on the jet way and handing the dog/kennel to a baggage handler and pointing at the aft cargo hold. Later, just before pushback he returned to the aircraft and attempted to explain to the little girl what happened and that he was sorry but the dog would have to stay “downstairs” . The flight continued to Vancouver without incident but with noticeably fewer PA’s from a rather subdued Roger Ramjet.

[conehead]

Good story. Thanks Kip...

[J.O.]

Too funny. Fiction, or experience?

[Moon The Loon]

Too funny. Fiction, or experience?

Hmm...Roger Powick.

Just doesn't sound right

[J.O.]

Well, I actually pictured Kip riding to the airport on his tractor.

[Kip Powick]

Well, I actually pictured Kip riding to the airport on his tractor.

Ours was a grey Ford

[J.O.]

I could choose between a red Massey Ferguson and a yellow Minneapolis-Moline (propane powered no less!).

[deicer]

Or a green Deutz?

[Seeker]

or a white David Brown?

[HHI]

All of us CPAir B737 first officers know the "Roger" Kip describes.

That is his real first name.

He used to drive his yellow corvette top down and 4 stripes hanging over the side - to go shopping on his days off " because he got better deals."

We have many more stories about Roger. Both on and off duty. :>)

Henry

[JL]

Another great story that explains the difference between a pilot and an aviator. Great job.