Westjet Passengers Riot Over Perky Crew

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A WestJet Calgary-to-Toronto (YYC-YYZ) flight was forced to make an emergency landing in Winnipeg after passengers became unruly and refused to sing Happy Birthday to a flight crew member.

Winnipeg Police and RCMP were called out and waiting for the Boeing 737 as it taxied to a vacant runway, and Transport Canada officials say 11 passengers were removed and charges are pending. Passengers from the rerouted flight waiting to reboard at Winnipeg International Airport (YYY) say the 3 cabin crew members were "overly enthusiastic" and "wouldn't stop with the creepy smiling thing."

"I felt like I was trapped in an episode of Glee," said one businessman who asked not to be identified. "First they sang "Good morning to You, Good morning to You, We're all in our places, With sunshiny faces..." like a dozen times until everyone had stowed their bags in the overhead compartments and taken their seats. Bugger off!"

Police say four passengers face Assault With A Weapon charges, one involving a thrown Egg 'N' Sausage Onion Bagel from Tim Hortons, allegedly carried on to the flight. One crew member was treated and released by EMS after having a Peak Frean Shortbread Finger removed from his nasal passage, allegedly placed there by a disgruntled passenger.

"It wasn't even the flight lady's damn birthday," said Thelma Gor, a Mississauga-based beautician and pedicurist who admits she flung her Pretzel Straws during the heat of the confrontation. "I flew the same flight last week and they said it was Mindy's birthday then too. She must be 90 by now."

Passenger Ward Dungle said he just wanted a quiet flight to go over some notes but became agitated with the "almost constant push to make us all act giddy."

"Getting us to put our trays in the upright position to do seat Yoga was the topper for me," he said after being released from police custody. "I saw red and just wanted to chap slap that Chad dude with his "I'm an owner" happy crap."

WestJet released a brief statement saying "Flight WS 698 YYC-YYZ made an unscheduled stop at YYY due to in-flight disturbances. Share your smile and have a fantastic day."

"Makes me want to puke," said Frank Lee, "I'm going Air Canada next time."

William Yum
Reporting for The Lapine

....yes, I do realize it's a satirical piece - funny, eh?

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:scratchchin: .... :icon_jook: ??? .... :huh: ..... :Scratch-Head:

I see not funny? .... don't see any funny.

Is it me? Is it a totally bogus report?

Mitch, it's from a satirical website - follow the link. Very funny website, similar to The Onion but Canadian. Here's another one:

Air System Gags On Axe Body Spray -- Shuts Down Gold's Gym

More than 30 athletes were evacuated into the streets outside a Toronto gym when a carbon monoxide detector began howling after picking up the scent of something it didn't like.

That something turned out to be Axe Body Spray, the pungent "all-body fragrance blast" product popular with the gym crowd, singles bar patrons, street people, and young males who have recently completed puberty.

The lunchtime workout crowd had been sweating to the beat of Rhianna when one patron on a stationery bike spotted what she called a "big cloud of stink" wafting out of the men's locker room at Gold's Gym on Toronto's Kingston Road.

"It smelled like asparagus pee," said Lasha DelBonito, a self-described professional body builder who says she's exercising hard to get "biscuits" like Jennifer Lopez.

But when Fire Department Hazardous Materials trucks arrived minutes later, their air quality tests showed no carbon monoxide at all but a more than 10% concentration of Axe.

"In this incident, our tests showed an extreme concentration of phermoaners, the so-called "smut smell"," said Toronto Fire Zone Commander Kyle Beckett, his mustachied face scrunching up as he talked about the odor. "In the men's changing room we found more than 40 cans of Axe products in lockers and sports bags. We have determined that the use of these fragrances overstimulated the air filtering system."

Firemen used industrial fans to clear the building and the fitness fans were back in the gym within an hour.

"It's mostly the Axe Body Spray called Yes Yes Yes that causes a problem," said Gold's Manager Brett Butler. "But when you add in other Axe products like Stiffy hair gel, Stroke Shampoo, and Spuzz shower gel, the air's pretty thick."

Gym members grumbled as they went back indoors after the air was "de-stinkified" as one lululemoned jock described it.

"Axe makes my nostrils spasm," said one angry athlete. "And these guys spray half a can on their crotches."

"Roid monkeys and axeholes. That's life at the gym these days," added the man's female companion.

While there is no word on whether Gold's or any other gym will impose a ban, Shopper's Drug Mart recently pulled the Axe range of deodorants, hair gels, shampoos, and lubricants after two nuns were found unconscious in the Grooming Products aisle.

Sue Donum

Reporting for The Lapine

Edited by seeker
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